6 months on.

I’m not even sure anybody is still following this blog so I guess this post is more for myself than anybody else.

I have been meaning to post much sooner than this, but in all honesty, the fall out from this trip has been challenging and I haven’t felt ready to share it. I’ve also been incredibly busy with uni, work and just life in general.

Let me start off by saying, I am truly blessed to be part of my church at ECN. We are doing some really exciting things and God really has created some immovable friendships that I’m positive will keep us all together, whatever comes our way.

Sadly, this has not been the case with my friendships with the staff in the shelter. While I remain on good terms with the majority of them, for the moment things between myself and M have been tense as we came into some disagreements with how things were being handled back in Romania. While I won’t digress any further, out of respect to her and her ministry, I made the decision to cut off communication for the time being.

Not long after I left, Anna and Anya were unfortunately expelled from the shelter due to reasons M thought were reason enough for them to leave. I was told a few days after it happened and I was completely devastated. It took me a while to stop being angry at both God and the staff and I really began questioning why I went over in the first place. My faith really struggled and a kind of spiritual amnesia kicked in, where I forgot almost all of His promises and plans for me. I’m not too proud to say (although a little sheepish in hindsight) that I pretty much took an infantile temper tantrum at God.

But God persevered.

It wasn’t until a few months ago that I looked back on this blog, old journals and notes and realised that God has a reason for everything. Maybe the reason I was in Romania was to learn both how I would do things but also how I shouldn’t do things and maybe it was to test just how far I was willing to be pushed. I don’t even know if i passed the test but what I do know is that, even through all the rubbish that has gone on, through all the heart ache and frustration, I still have a burning desire and passion to free the captives, through Him and in His name.

God has been teaching me some brutal patience and I truly feel myself coming out of infantile, “instant gratification” faith to something deeper and more steadfast. I know my calling for the long term but right now I have to focus on training for that. My plans after I graduate are to train as a counsellor, specialising in sexual trauma so that I can help any one God puts in my path the best I can. It’s been hard to accept that not everything is going to happen instantly, but He keeps reminding me that His timing is perfect. Not mine.

I’ll leave you with a final thought. Another ‘plug’ for the power of prayer (which I had all but forgotten about in my God-forgetfulness). While I would love to tell you that I had been in fervent prayer, every day for the two women I grew close to, that would be a lie. Life gets in the way and sometimes memories are painful and it’s easier to just give them a mention. However, eventually the uncertainty became too much, and I gave in to God and spilled my heart to Him. I begged for these two women and their children, begged for some sign that they were safe and okay.

I’ve found that when you’re moved to prayer like that it’s because God wants to answer. After deleting my facebook before I left for Romania, I felt compelled to create another one (and not just to facebook stalk people). After a few weeks, the first women that left sent me a message letting me know that she was alright and we are still in contact. On Saturday there, after a Friday night full of anguish about Anna and Anya, I received a message from Anna, letting me know that she missed me and that she was in London, working in a restaurant. Anya remained in Romania with her grandmother, as Anna admitted she could not look after her. We spoke for a while, in broken Romanian, broken English.

I am so thankful and full of praise. This has filtered back into all areas of my life and I feel as though I have been reignited.

God is so faithful. Even when we are not.